Monday, October 18, 2010

Let's keep it boring

A whole 5 days have passed since my admission to the hospital and my life has gotten pretty predictable. Most days go something like this:

  • 6:30am: Wake up tangled in my Snoogle (giant pregnancy pillow resembling a huge, cushy candy cane) and bed sheets, feeling slightly hung over from my nightly dosage of Ambien.
  • 6:40am: After an epic battle similar to World War I, but without the aid of neighboring countries, manage to free self from the giant pillow.
  • 6:45am: Browse the menu on my side table for the 80th time, even though I have the entire thing committed to memory. Wrestle with the difficult decision of whether to order Raisin Bran or french toast sticks. Choose french toast sticks after deciding bed rest + Raisin Bran=recipe for disaster.
  • 7:00am: Turn the TV on to TLC to watch "A Baby Story." Watch as multiple women undergo horrible labors that last for 3 days without epidurals. Decide watching this show was probably not my best decision considering my state, and that people who decide not to get an epidural must be at least a little crazy.
  • 7:45am: Food arrives. Try to close my eyes and pretend I'm at IHOP. Nurse comes in and checks my blood pressure. Decide that if this same service was offered at IHOP, people would probably eat a lot fewer Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity's.
  • 8:00am-12pm: Spend morning switching between TLC, Discovery Channel, Travel Channel, and Food Network. Become very knowledgable about giving birth to multiples, species of animals living in the Amazon, luxury yachts, and how to make a mean chipotle.
  • 12:05pm-12:45pm: Order lunch and take an unreasonably long shower since it's one of the only times I'm allowed to stand. Consider attempting to trim hair with toenail clippers. Decide to have husband bring real scissors later to avoid the risk of making myself look like a little boy.
  • 12:45pm-2pm: Eat lunch and turn on computer. Facebook stalk everyone on my friends list (hey, I have a lot of time on my hands here. No one is safe.)
  • 2:05pm-4:45pm: More television time mixed with occassional book reading.
  • 4:50pm-6:30pm: Husband and daughter come to visit. Spend most of the time watching Fresh Beat Band and trying to convince my daughter that the bathroom is not an amusement park. Say goodbye to my family.
  • 6:45pm: Eat dinner and make a mental note to never order the turkey and stuffing again, unless I have a sudden craving for shoe leather.
  • 7pm-10pm: More TV time.
  • 10:05pm: Nurse brings medications. Fall asleep in an Ambien daze.
  • Rinse, repeat.

The nurses have been coming in each day to check on me and make sure everything is going well - and probably to make sure I haven't become a zombie yet. A pregnant woman roaming the halls in search of brains is probably not good for the hospital's image. My nurse this afternoon gave me this piece of advice: "Let's keep it boring."

No problem. I've had lots of practice.


  1. I didn't have an epidural. :D Call me a little crazy, but it wasn't horribly horrible!

  2. Hi, Jane. I like your writing a lot. I think you should suggest to hospital management to have Netflex available for patients so you don't have to watch TLC and Discovery all the time.
    Love you and pray for you both .

  3. I just thought I'd let you know that I think this post is hilarious; I love the way you write! And I didn't have an epidural with my little girl, and it wasn't bad at all. (Short labors help, too.)
    from Jill Made It

  4. I developed H.E.L.L.P. syndrome so I couldn't have an epidural. It wasn't too bad.


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